GO TO GOODWILL AND BUY ME SOME SHOES...

"Calculus"

violentlyexplode@hotmail.com — Mon, 17 Oct 2005 17:35:49 GMT

"Calculus"

eleven cigarettes and fourteen matches
that's five and a half car rides
and three love letters
i intend to burn down your freeze-dried empire
your homemade niche where you read your books
they are about abortion and
they are not about choice
i shall roll up your paper mache world
and smoke it like it's cuban
because that's anywhere but here

thirty-three broken hearts in sixteen years
that's eleven hundred tears
and one broken record
i swear to turn the tables over in rage
your seat at the bar where you tell jokes
they are offensive and
thet are not about white men
i will light up your makebelieve realm
and hit it like it's pure
because that's anything but this

yet you refuse thirty-five and i plead fifteen which is six years short of jim beam
and four late nights of sixty-seven channels of fifty thousand pounds of
plastic and cocaine
ten more dollars will buy you one ticket out of here
three hundred sixty-three miles and forty degrees west
five feet buried and
one to go
---------------------------------

so i wrote that one at work yesterday. i think i'm gonna put all my stuff together, finally.
i actually have inspiration now (laura and mike--those crazy canadians that i barely know but found my america poem somewhere online...)

love always,
ali

blame it on bad formatting and lack of phone calls

violentlyexplode@hotmail.com — Sat, 02 Apr 2005 16:06:18 GMT

the dirt under my nails is to signify
the burial of you
the death of who we all once were
but we've cocooned for three years
for three long years we've been away
we've been so far away
i left before i was done i left
before the process had me fully
developed like film from the camera
the camera we took to the trip
still sits on my dresser
waiting for the bigger picture
to finally be developed
but it must go through a darkroom
before the picture becomes clear
so you will emerge from your hidings
emerge from the wrappings you have worn
for so long
to finally see daylight
to spread your wings and bask in the heat
the heat of the night has me lost
i'm lost in a self-motivated state of ignorance
that has me thinking of white tiled bathrooms
the rooms where we gossiped about the boys
who waited for us by the t.v.
by the technicolor noisebox that we lost our souls to
a portal to the rape of humanity
that taught us about hollywood sex
and i sit still as to not hear my own breathing
as to hide from intimacy leaving innocence
because i am not feeling this
i am not feeling this moment turn into something ugly
and as we laugh and smile at the boys outside
the boys are doing the same thing
only this time, they aren't laughing
unplugging the phone so i am not connected to the system
because the only unity any of us really have
is all fake
its connecting into the sound of our PCs and MP3s
and the one thing that connects us all
can end through a circuit break
we personify our dogs
to pretend someone is actually listening
to pretend that something under the sun
wants to hear you out
your megaphone is meaningless
as you preach on the streets
as you warn us with your words and empty gestures
because we do not believe in hope
vodka is our heaven and truth is our hell
madonna is our savior
and she will hear our prayers
we will send them via email
new years eve is a celebration
because another wasted year has died
and maybe this year we can promise ourselves
that things will be better and that maybe
we can convince ourselves that it is okay
that everything will be fine
as long as we wait until we are ready
to see the world
to leave our cocoons with our brand new eyes
eyes that are changed by the rebirth of society
and the economy is always steady
as long as enough people complain
your youth is six feet under
and we'll throw a party to celebrate your life
because funerals are "too old fashioned"
because ethics mean nothing in a sea of perversion
people will pay their dollar for a cruise
into this ocean of immorality
and we'll all say "bon voyage"
as someone loses their virgin eyes
as they proceed into "manhood"
as they emerge from their cocoon
my short lived glory
will be a millstone around my neck
and as the last ship sails away
i am left drowning

FRIENDS ONLY

violentlyexplode@hotmail.com — Wed, 16 Jun 2004 01:10:09 GMT

FLORENCE KENTUCKY IS NOT THAT FUNNY!!!

AGH!

will someone please come down to rescue me?????????????????

it's not nice to lie, you know.

i SWEAR i'll be PERFECT

but seriously now

what's all this talk about how F L O R E N C E IS SOMEPLACE sp ec ia l?!

i DONT WANT TO SOUND UNGRATEFUL

.....but......

there's gotta be SOMETHING better than....

BETTER THAN THIS.

Sure, I AM HAPPY. I am living the F L Y L I F E...

living proof that there is something better so you should NEVER accept things as they are. PROMISE ME YOU WON'T DO THAT, OKAY? Because I Swear That I Will Never Lead You Astray. When Someone Loves You, That's What They Do--THEY PROTECT YOU AND THEY NEVER EVER leave you.

LEAVE

.....

you

and then you left me on the floor alone after you told me that everything would be alright and i knew you were lying but i let you lie. i needed to hear someone's voice besides my own.

i live to accomplish the self proclaimed titan of all dreams. THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM. and even though i know you would never go with me, i will ask anyway. because i love you. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT'S UNEXPLAINABLE.

so come visit me sometime.

you won't find me here, though. BE NOT MISTAKEN.

I'll get the film developed tomorrow and i will look for you in the photographs. you'll be behind the plants i planted last summer. You'll be just ST AN DI NG THERE A L O N E LIKE you always do. like you want me to say something. like i know what to say when i don't. because i never know what to say to someone like you in a moment like this. So now you know. NOW YOU CAN LISTEN AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF THE WORLD FROM MY PERSPECTIVE.

it won't be long until i call and you can hear me analyze and utter lies and pretend to be so much more. WHEN YOU KNOW ALL I CAN BE IS THIS. and i guess that i am sorry that i can't be more.

my martyr, my first love, my dear, my sweet, my perfectly ignorant town of Florence--To you, TONIGHT, IN YOUR NAME IN YOUR HONOUR, i drink unto you the blood of the demented irishman.

and when the world gets crazy, when everything is spinning and complaining and making NO SENSE AT ALL...

i'll be there.

playing the cards, making the calls, acting like i am part of some UNIVERSAL ALLIANCE when i know that i am of no such production. I AM SORRY THAT I CAN'T HEAR YOU THROUGH THE ALL THE YELLING, BUT I AM TRYING TO COOPERATE WITH MY INNER CHILD AND LET YOU MAKE ALL THE CALLS.

that's all i can do.

that's all i can really BE.

sorry if that's not enough.

sorry if i can't cope with the propaganda you are throwing me.

because quite frankly, i am more than willing to pack up and be on my way by the time the next train that's headed to the better place is revved up and ready to go.

i'll be there.

BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I CAN BE.

i'll be there.

because i love you.

i'll be there.

I SWEAR.

AND EACH DROP OF SWEAT THAT ESCAPES MY PORES AND EACH TEAR THAT FALLS FROM MY SCORNED EYES WILL BE SCREAMING OUT YOUR NAME. IT WILL BE A REPRESENTATION OF ALL THAT I AM AND I THAT I CAN BE AND ALL THAT YOU ONCE WERE.

BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I CAN BE.

AND THAT'S ALL I WANT TO BE RIGHT NOW.

with you, of course.

THAT IS WHERE I WILL BE.

with you.

NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS.

on the subway, i will kiss you goodnight.

i'll be there.

i promise.

LOVE A L W A Y S,

NOTHING more, NOTHING less,

ps. this journal is friends only. hit me in the comments to read the rest of my distorted life. or just add me, and once i notice, i'll add you back. oh and the other entries arent as confusing as this one.